The little boy had fallen in the back yard and hit his chin on the bottom step of the deck. Dad could see from the kitchen window he was hurt and probably needed first aid. He grabbed the band-aids and went out the back door.

But before he got to his son, he heard the boy say to himself, “Come on Jaben, you need to slow down.”

The boy is three.

Some people would imagine that the boy was parroting what had been said to him by some adult. And perhaps he was. Parents are the first analysts of a child’s behavior. Sometimes that analysis can be instructive, and other times harsh.

At some point, the child stops waiting for the parent to chastise them, and they learn to do it to themselves.

As Nelda Andersone wrote in a 2020 Psychology Today article,

“Thus, when a child naturally approaches surroundings with curiosity, expecting a safe return, but instead repeatedly encountering indifference, denial, contempt, or subtly undermining narratives about who the child is, the child inevitably perceives it safer to blame themselves for all the confusion and pain it feels rather than the parent for their behaviors.”

Though I think Andersone is correct in assessing how extreme parenting can create these shame parts of the psyche, I contend that most of us create these parts regardless of the presence of indifference or contempt.

We gain proficiency in life partly by being able to self-correct. We create an Inner Critic to help us evaluate where we need to do better.

However, over a long period of time, we shift out of that simple influence of the Inner Critic and create a new part called Shame. Instead of just saying “I need to improve”, Shame says “Something is wrong with me.” And this different focus is something that religion in particular can exploit and magnify.

Hillary McBride in talking about how religion can create trauma in the brain said

“Spiritual Trauma is someone handing you an Inner Critic and telling you it’s the voice of God.”

This is played out in many forms.

“You were born a wretched human being, worthless in God’s sight.” (The Doctrine of Original Sin)

“You cannot do anything righteous on your own without God’s help (Absolute Depravity of Man)

“God hates your sin so much, he created a place called Hell to punish you forever for it.” (Doctrine of Hell).

Different churches focus on different sins to the exclusion of other sins. Each group tends to have their own particular sins that God is angry about. Regardless of whether the sin is sexual in nature, or related to doubt, fear, defiance against authority, or not financially supporting the church, the voice of God tells each religious participant that they are a dirty sinner because they committed the sin.

And if the religious person did not actually participate in that sin, even if they thought about doing it, they are equally as guilty.

What does this do to the psyche of a child?

Developmental trauma refers to the trauma a child with a developing brain endures. This can be through physical, sexual, emotional, and neglect abuse avenues.

If a child also experiences shaming in the midst of this, it can have a devastating effect on the brain development.

Yes, shaming can significantly contribute to developmental trauma in an abused child. When a child experiences abuse, they are already vulnerable and in a state of psychological distress. If shaming is introduced—either by the abuser or by others—it can deeply exacerbate the trauma.

Shaming a child, especially in the context of abuse, can lead to several harmful outcomes:

1. Internalized Shame: The child may start to believe that the abuse is their fault, leading to feelings of worthlessness, guilt, and self-blame. This internalized shame can severely damage their self-esteem and sense of identity.
2. Emotional Dysregulation: Shame can make it difficult for a child to regulate their emotions. They may become more prone to anxiety, depression, and other emotional difficulties.
3. Trust Issues: A child who is shamed may struggle to trust others, especially if the shaming comes from caregivers or authority figures. This can lead to difficulties in forming healthy relationships later in life.
4. Impaired Development: The combination of abuse and shaming can impair the child’s cognitive, emotional, and social development. This may manifest as difficulties in school, trouble with peer relationships, or even physical health issues.
5. Chronic Trauma Responses: Shaming can contribute to the development of complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) in the child, characterized by chronic feelings of worthlessness, persistent distrust of others, and difficulties in managing emotions.

As we noted earlier, certain teachings in religion use shame as a tool to influence the behavior of its members. This has more effect on children than any other group.

So many people believe if they reproduce children they thus have ownership of those children. This plays out in how they conduct religious education, both in the home and in the church setting. The child’s needs will often be secondary to the needs of the religious community and the tenets of the faith.

Many of my counseling clients have related stories to me about the effect of shaming from their childhood church. One gentleman remembers his pastor remarking about the noise he was making in church. He was three years old, and struggled to stay still in the service. He stood up on the pew to visit with a person behind him. The pastor stopped his sermon and literally told the congregation that this child was being used by the devil to distract god’s people from the deep truths of his message.

I knew that he had been abused by his father since he was a baby. When we did therapy with his younger self, so many of our sessions returned to that’s pastor’s shaming tirade. Even though his father initiated the abuse and started the cycle of development trauma, it was the pastor’s remonstration that cemented Shame into his mind.

When we addressed Shame, it sounded like the preacher. Over the years after that sermon, he constantly berated himself for the smallest infraction. Even though cutting for stress relief is not common for teen boys, it was one of the only ways he could silence Shame.

In the next article, we will look at how sexually shaming a child can impact their overall sexual development.